Reading and Resources

To Help Couples Heal From Affairs


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After The Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring
 
This is a very good book for both partners who have experienced an affair. Some of the chapters speak directly to the person who ha been unfaithful and others speak to the person who was betrayed. This book has many different exercises and questions for each person to ask themselves and good questions to talk about with each other.




Not Just Friends: Protect Your Relationship From Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal by Shirley Glass

This is another very helpful book for couples experiencing the trauma of an affair. The author is pro-marriage and spends a significant portion of the book supporting that idea. Her book explains the positions of the betrayed, betrayer and the “other “ person in this triangle to help get a better understanding of this problem and its complexity as a way of answering some of the many questions such as “Why did this happen?” and “How did it happen in our marriage?”




How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage To Forgive, the Freedom Not To by Janis Abrahms Spring

This book discusses the importance of forgiveness in healing from infidelity or another kind of betrayal. Spring discusses questions such as “How do I forgive someone who can’t or won’t apologize for hurting me?” and “If I can’t forgive, how do I put the injury behind me?” and “What can the offender do to earn forgiveness?” This book is helpful for those who are ready to begin the forgiveness process or know that they must get there for their own personal healing.




Private Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy by Frank Pittman

The book examines four different types of adultery and why they may occur from one-night stands to affairs that include emotional attachment. Pittman is clear and direct with his statements that the marriage does not cause cheating … and the hurting spouse is not to blame for the affair. He also discusses the idea of the concept of “re-writing the story of the marriage” in the light of the new relationship. His book looks for accountability from the one who has betrayed and supports establishing an environment for healing in the marriage.





The Language of Letting Go
by Melody Beattie
This book is an excellent resource for anyone going through a difficult time. While it was originally written to help family and friends of people who abuse alcohol, it provides daily thought-provoking messages for anyone having a tough time.




The Grief Club: The Secret to Getting Through All Kinds of Change
by Melody Beattie




Don’t Call It Love
by Patrick Carnes




The Relationship Cure
by John Gottman and Joan DeClaire.




The Dance of Deception
by Harriet Lerner




The Monogamy Myth
by Peggy Vaughn.

Websites:

WWW.DearPeggy.com

Peggy Vaughn, author of The Monogamy Myth has a great web site with many different resources and message boards for couples who are experiencing infidelity.

Beyond Affairs
First-hand information about surviving an affair and coming out the better for it.

Therapist Locator
A directory provided by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy to help in locating an experienced marriage and family therapist in your area.  Also provides information about a variety of problems facing today's families.

Sexaholics Anonymous
Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other so that they may solve their common problem. SA is not a sex or group therapy and offers no treatment -- it is a program of recovery for those who want to stop their sexually self-destructive thinking and behavior. SA's support group philosophy is taken directly from the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Sex Addicts Anonymous
Sex Addicts Anonymous, SAA, is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other so they may overcome their sexual addiction and help others recover from sexual addiction or dependency.

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous is a Twelve Step - Twelve Tradition oriented fellowship based on the model pioneered by Alcoholics Anonymous.

E-book:  Helping Couples Recover from Affairs
Peggy Vaughn, a leading author (“The Monogomy Myth) and speaker about affairs has just released a free e-book based on her research with over 1,000 couples impacted by an affair.

Some of her findings were:
  • The deception is often harder to recover from than the sexual act.
  • 76% of couples who experience affairs remain together.
  • It is essential to answer questions about the details of the affair or affairs in order to rebuild trust.
  • For the majority of the time, when an affair is discovered, it is not the first affair. This is sort of like a speeding ticket. You rarely receive one the first time that you exceed the speed limit.
  • Affairs have a lasting impact on the betrayed partner and, even after getting to the point of forgiveness, there are lasting scars.
  • It is quite rare for the person having the affair to divorce a spouse and marry an affair partner.
  • Many couples experiencing an affair saw more than one therapist. The best results were achieved when the therapist dealt directly with the affair and helped the couple to openly talk about the affair rather than putting it in the past.

Want to read this e-book? It is geared toward therapists but has stories and comments from several couples who experienced an affair or affairs in their marriage. Click here to download this free e-book.